Millennials: How to Get What You Want

A inspiring and accessible charge to Millennials to go after and learn to articulate what we want. This post is written by Executive Coach and Leadership Expert Mike Dauphinee. 

As we stood in the door of Las Torres Refugio, my guide Roberto Carlos asked, “Listo?” (Ready?) With a confident nod, I slung up my fancy pack. In the weeks leading up to this trek through Torres Del Paine in Patagonia I ran my 5ks, I hiked on Saturdays, and I even made an intermittent effort to watch my diet. But like a movie hero in slow motion: in this moment I realized my obvious and critical mistake. For months, I had been so preoccupied with preparing for the distance of the hike that it never occurred to me to try my hikes with a pack. As I strapped the 40 lbs. to my back and began to walk, I knew I was in trouble.

We had gone only a quarter mile when the waist pad started cutting into my hips. And by half a mile I was questioning the sanity of the 90 kilometers that lay ahead. “What had I been thinking?” “How was this a good idea?” We were going up and down and up and down.  Like a chanting monk I just kept repeating, “Don’t stop and don’t tell him it hurts.” I seemed to think I could chant the pain away. And under no circumstance could I ask for help. I couldn’t tell Roberto that I needed a break. I couldn’t ask if my pack was strapped-up right. We were going to be alone all week, and I decided it was important not to be a disappointing gringo. So I smiled and chanted and trekked in silent misery.

Why do we that? What to we trudge on in isolated despair? We all do it. We commit to things and underestimate or misread them. We start with the best of intentions but overlook some detail. And other times we plan, prepare, and do everything we think we need to do and things still go wrong. But instead of stopping, making adjustments or asking for help, we chant on. There is no magic in the chant “don’t stop and don’t tell them it hurts.”

As an executive leadership consultant, I’ve spent nearly a decade talking to leaders from virtually every segment of business.  I’ve coached CEO’s, Olympic athletes, religious leaders, and the occasional warlord. While each was different in all the ways you can imagine, they had one critical thing in common. They were all terrible mind readers. Their best guesses, strategic plans, and most generous intentions were just not enough to get in the mind of their people. You have to be an expert on you and you have to say it out loud.

A therapist I used to coach with used to say, “Healthy people ask for what they want.”  Her words confused me.  I understood what she meant, but I didn’t. I don’t think most people do. What she was trying to say is that healthy people don’t shame others to get what they want from them. They don’t stay silent and then get angry when others don’t meet their expectations. They don’t make assumptions that others know what they need. Instead: they ask people what they need, what they want. But do you know what you need? What you want?

Too often we’re like two-year-olds. We are aware we have wants and needs, but we don’t have the vocabulary these things. So in the absence of words, how do we behave? We grab. We pout. We cry. We act like emotional toddlers (and this is on a good day).  This struggle is real and potentially worse for millennials. Although you don’t cry relatively more than any other generation, your needs are so different from any that the world has experienced before.

The Gallup Corporation, the global leader in cultural research and polling, has found that millennials are so different in their needs and desires in the workplace that corporations need to rethink their entire management approach. You, Millennials, are going to have to lead them. You need to be the expert on you, to find the words to articulate what you want: and then ask for it. Do you know what do you want?

After talking to a million people, and combing through 30 research studies, here’s what millennials said they wanted:

Instead of a paycheck, you’re looking for a purpose.  Instead of being lured by gimmicks, you’re looking for growth and development. You’re not interested in a boss but crave a coach. You don’t want annual reviews, and instead you welcome ongoing feedback. You dislike obsessing about your weakness but thrive when your leaders focus on strengths. And most importantly: you’re not looking for a job. You are rather looking for life.

So now for a dose of encouragement: If you, millennial, are feeling the pain and the job you hoped for that’s now cutting off your circulation — it is time. If you keep chanting to yourself that somehow it’s just going to get better and you just keep working: stop. Rely instead on some of Gallup’s words: “Find your moment. Express your need. Asking doesn’t mean you’ll get, but your chances increase exponentially.”

After 48 minutes, Roberto told me to stop for water at the sign.  I was a sweaty mess. I tried to hide my worries from a guide whom I was convinced was dreading to haul my body down the French Valley Glacier in the coming days. In my fatigue, I decided to ask a sideways question about my pack. Three strap tugs and a Roberto adjustment later and the hip pain was gone. All my posturing had prevented me from getting the help I needed. He asked me why I hadn’t told him earlier and I told him I hadn’t wanted to ask.  He smiled and said with his fantastic accent, “You can ask me anything…I’m not just a pretty face!”  We laughed until our sides hurt. My ego had been effectively disarmed.

As we started again, I asked him: “how we were doing?” He smiled then said, “Muy Bueno! We usually have to stop three times by now. We are very fast. You are a good trekker.” I suddenly found myself a changed man. That little encouragement amplified my confidence volumes. Suddenly the trail didn’t seem so long. I could do this. And it only took  me asking.