Millennials: How to Get What You Want

A inspiring and accessible charge to Millennials to go after and learn to articulate what we want. This post is written by Executive Coach and Leadership Expert Mike Dauphinee. 

As we stood in the door of Las Torres Refugio, my guide Roberto Carlos asked, “Listo?” (Ready?) With a confident nod, I slung up my fancy pack. In the weeks leading up to this trek through Torres Del Paine in Patagonia I ran my 5ks, I hiked on Saturdays, and I even made an intermittent effort to watch my diet. But like a movie hero in slow motion: in this moment I realized my obvious and critical mistake. For months, I had been so preoccupied with preparing for the distance of the hike that it never occurred to me to try my hikes with a pack. As I strapped the 40 lbs. to my back and began to walk, I knew I was in trouble.

We had gone only a quarter mile when the waist pad started cutting into my hips. And by half a mile I was questioning the sanity of the 90 kilometers that lay ahead. “What had I been thinking?” “How was this a good idea?” We were going up and down and up and down.  Like a chanting monk I just kept repeating, “Don’t stop and don’t tell him it hurts.” I seemed to think I could chant the pain away. And under no circumstance could I ask for help. I couldn’t tell Roberto that I needed a break. I couldn’t ask if my pack was strapped-up right. We were going to be alone all week, and I decided it was important not to be a disappointing gringo. So I smiled and chanted and trekked in silent misery.

Why do we that? What to we trudge on in isolated despair? We all do it. We commit to things and underestimate or misread them. We start with the best of intentions but overlook some detail. And other times we plan, prepare, and do everything we think we need to do and things still go wrong. But instead of stopping, making adjustments or asking for help, we chant on. There is no magic in the chant “don’t stop and don’t tell them it hurts.”

As an executive leadership consultant, I’ve spent nearly a decade talking to leaders from virtually every segment of business.  I’ve coached CEO’s, Olympic athletes, religious leaders, and the occasional warlord. While each was different in all the ways you can imagine, they had one critical thing in common. They were all terrible mind readers. Their best guesses, strategic plans, and most generous intentions were just not enough to get in the mind of their people. You have to be an expert on you and you have to say it out loud.

A therapist I used to coach with used to say, “Healthy people ask for what they want.”  Her words confused me.  I understood what she meant, but I didn’t. I don’t think most people do. What she was trying to say is that healthy people don’t shame others to get what they want from them. They don’t stay silent and then get angry when others don’t meet their expectations. They don’t make assumptions that others know what they need. Instead: they ask people what they need, what they want. But do you know what you need? What you want?

Too often we’re like two-year-olds. We are aware we have wants and needs, but we don’t have the vocabulary these things. So in the absence of words, how do we behave? We grab. We pout. We cry. We act like emotional toddlers (and this is on a good day).  This struggle is real and potentially worse for millennials. Although you don’t cry relatively more than any other generation, your needs are so different from any that the world has experienced before.

The Gallup Corporation, the global leader in cultural research and polling, has found that millennials are so different in their needs and desires in the workplace that corporations need to rethink their entire management approach. You, Millennials, are going to have to lead them. You need to be the expert on you, to find the words to articulate what you want: and then ask for it. Do you know what do you want?

After talking to a million people, and combing through 30 research studies, here’s what millennials said they wanted:

Instead of a paycheck, you’re looking for a purpose.  Instead of being lured by gimmicks, you’re looking for growth and development. You’re not interested in a boss but crave a coach. You don’t want annual reviews, and instead you welcome ongoing feedback. You dislike obsessing about your weakness but thrive when your leaders focus on strengths. And most importantly: you’re not looking for a job. You are rather looking for life.

So now for a dose of encouragement: If you, millennial, are feeling the pain and the job you hoped for that’s now cutting off your circulation — it is time. If you keep chanting to yourself that somehow it’s just going to get better and you just keep working: stop. Rely instead on some of Gallup’s words: “Find your moment. Express your need. Asking doesn’t mean you’ll get, but your chances increase exponentially.”

After 48 minutes, Roberto told me to stop for water at the sign.  I was a sweaty mess. I tried to hide my worries from a guide whom I was convinced was dreading to haul my body down the French Valley Glacier in the coming days. In my fatigue, I decided to ask a sideways question about my pack. Three strap tugs and a Roberto adjustment later and the hip pain was gone. All my posturing had prevented me from getting the help I needed. He asked me why I hadn’t told him earlier and I told him I hadn’t wanted to ask.  He smiled and said with his fantastic accent, “You can ask me anything…I’m not just a pretty face!”  We laughed until our sides hurt. My ego had been effectively disarmed.

As we started again, I asked him: “how we were doing?” He smiled then said, “Muy Bueno! We usually have to stop three times by now. We are very fast. You are a good trekker.” I suddenly found myself a changed man. That little encouragement amplified my confidence volumes. Suddenly the trail didn’t seem so long. I could do this. And it only took  me asking.

Why Millennials Need to be the Best Generation in History

I was excited to write a piece for the Millennial quest blog. I had a snarky piece started addressing the common hashtag #adulting, but felt that with the current state of events here in the states, a hopeful piece for the future was more appropriate. Enjoy. (Authored by Matt Peterson)

Millennials can know everything. We are the first generation that has access to the sum of most of human knowledge and understanding all at once at our fingertips all the time. We’re the first generation to grow up using personal computers. We begged our parents for cell phones, smart phones, and we’re forcing them to update and connect as well.

At the same time as our ability to learn and understand is expanding, so is the amount of knowledge and wisdom. Science is accomplishing and studying things generations past could only dream about. There are new avenues for study, new tools for processing, and new methods of distribution. We have a better understanding of this planet and how it works every time we open up our news apps.

Which leaves us as millennials in a weird place. The great machine of knowledge that is the internet is showing some trends. As it turns out, humans haven’t been treating the earth with the respect it deserves. We are also not treating other humans with the dignity they deserve. If we look, we are able to see gross inequity and suffering in the most prosperous era in human history and visible disintegration of the processes required to support life on the only place that we’re certain can support our species.

But where there are problems, there are also solutions. The problems we now face aren’t minor inconveniences, and if we don’t do something, there’s a pretty good chance it will be too late to completely recover from the damage we’ve caused.

The planet needs us immediately. We need to start thinking like the Iroquois – the name of the six joined Native American nations living in the Northeast United States and Canada. Decisions we make today need to be, in part, for the benefit of the generation 7 from now. I can’t replicate the quote with my own words and do it justice, so from Chief Oren Lyons writing of The Constitution of the Iroquois Nations: The great Binding Law:

“In all of your deliberations in the Confederate Council, in your efforts at law making, in all your official acts, self interest shall be cast into oblivion. Cast not over your shoulder behind you the warnings of the nephews and nieces should they chide you for any error or wrong you may do, but return to the way of the Great Law which is just and right. Look and listen for the welfare of the whole people and have always in view not only the present but also the coming generations, even those whose faces are yet beneath the surface of the ground -- the unborn of the future Nation”

With this idea, we begin to see where there will be tension. Our capitalist, American Dream, work-your-way-to-the-top, sports cars, enhancement surgeries, ego-driven ideals, the thought of making a decision with the intent to benefit someone else doesn’t seem fair. We got to this point because people were focused on elevating their own quality of life and now Millennials have to make decisions that put our own interests aside in favor of those of people we won’t get to meet.

Here’s the first step to greatness for millennials – put the planet first. We have one. It’s done a great job with humans so far, but we need to start giving back. We can’t keep burning oil or discarding chemicals into waterways, or even regularly eating meat. Our efforts must be dramatic and sustainable. This means we’ll have to make concessions on the luxuries that the generations before us were able to enjoy endlessly. And instead of investing in our own wellbeing, we need to invest in the wellbeing of our planet. I will not have a house as spacious as my parents because it takes more than my fair share of the resources to build and maintain. Instead of putting money into additions and amenities, I’ll put it in to renewable energy, better insulation, and more efficient living solutions.

And yes, this will be good for my pocketbook as well since it will hopefully mean I’m able to spend less on my utilities. It’s not sexy, and it likely won’t pay for itself, but it’s how I will need to live to make room for the still growing population and the nature that I don’t want to lose.

But if we stop there, we’re the greatest generation since the Iroquois. What will set us apart is our concern and care for people across the planet. Apps like Twitter and Periscope allow us to spread raw news instantly across the globe. We can get cameras into plants that produce the electronics that keep us connected. We can witness the oppression of entire nations by powerful regimes. It’s what we do with this information that will make us the greatest.

Right now, if you’re curious for a specific example of human problems, you should ask your phone how many people die of hunger every year. One of the first results will tell you that 18,000 children die every day of hunger. And you’ll find that 850 thousand are hungry and malnourished. If curiosity then leads you to go on, you’ll find that it would take about 1/10^th of the US’s military budget for the next decade to eliminate hunger. Maybe we could make some concessions here and overseas to make food available to everyone in the world.

When we start caring as much for the person building our iPhones as we do for the person who shows them to us on stage in Cupertino, then we will, in my opinion, become the greatest generation in history. There are plenty of sayings from plenty of wise people: “Love your neighbor as yourself,” “a chain is as strong as its weakest link,” etc. We have the highest capacity for compassion and the means to help now better than ever before.

And we care. The numbers support us tending in this direction.  61% of us feel personally responsible to change the world and 84% of us would rather know we’re doing good than get recognition at our jobs. A whopping 92% of our generation believes that we should judge the success of our businesses using more than just the profits.

It’s not going to be easy, especially since we’re so buried in debt we can hardly imagine not having student loan payments, car payments, mortgage payments, and credit card payments that we are trying to figure out what it means to have savings. We’ll have to get ourselves on the iPhone plan that renews every 2 years instead of every 12 months. Maybe we’ll live with more shared amenities instead of personal luxuries. We’ll be inventing amazing things in the near future to stop from burning fuels and creating waste, and we’ll be spreading wealth as far as we can. It’s the right thing to do. We can know and can see it. All we need to do now is change to adapt to this new understanding of what it takes to be a successful human. It’s up to Millennials, and we’re ready for the challenge and poised to create change.

And if any of the older generations have found themselves reading this, maybe consider a little less complaining about us living in your basement or retiring a bit early to help us out on our great millennial quest. We’d appreciate all the help we can get!

Purging: How to Feel Good in the Nude

A brave and vulnerable post from Jennie Kamin - a daring Millennial off to New York to complete her masters at the Colombia School of Journalism after a colorful career in Los Angeles. 

This week was moving week.  Like many a 20-something, I am well-acquainted  (to the tune of seven times in the last eight years) with the perils of this particular activity. In that time, my travels have included moving to-and-fro a dilapidated frat house, a small flat in Central London’s Arab neighborhood, and most recently, the hipster oasis in the heart of Los Angeles’ Silver Lake area. Each time I engage in this familiar song and dance, I am always struck by one realization: junk.  That is, the astounding amount of clutter one person can accumulate in a few short years.  In this case, I had been living in Los Angeles for just two years. I owned nothing outside of my own bedroom and yet, the junk was everywhere. Stacks of literary junk I would never read.  Garment Junk that could never be utile outside of an Arctic tundra. Sentimental junk I had lost and re-discovered from 6^th grade, only to bury and lose it in the depths of my next move once more.  Then there was the other kind of junk. The emotional, metaphysical remnants of each phase of life one packs up, hoards, insists on paying a hefty fee to store, carrying it over again into the next phase of life.

I moved to LA to join the ranks of starry-eyed young people hoping to ‘make it big’ as Hollywood starlets. Sure, I had some success. I also had a lot of un-success (at least in my own perception). This is, perhaps, the most imposing mountain of junk I have hoarded over the years.

In the classic way, I moved to LA having had a lifetime of theatrical and on-camera training and tremendous (though seemingly undeserved) support from my family. I had a decent amount of success over the years in smaller markets and regional productions and a few excellent contacts to boot. Thanks to the incredible generosity of my cousin and his family, I even had a garage-apartment where I stayed-free of charge for the better half of five months.

One day, after two years of seeing each other at least weekly and often more, said cousin asked me if I was really happy all the time as, to him, I had appeared to be.  I laughed and before brushing it off, did admit to him that I, too, have demons (for God’s sakes I was a struggling actor) I would one-day share with him. One day never came.  

The night before my departure, said cous took me up on it.  He asked something to the effect of “what do I not know about you?” as he prepared salmon over the stove and his children ran in and out of the kitchen. It was time to purge my clutter; that blockage of junk I had amassed throughout the acting years, protecting me from sharing vulnerable moments with the people I love, creating an impasse through which my authentic self could hardly seep.   Though, in my thoughts, I had no problem telling the truth, the truth never made it from the gate-keeper  of the biggest junkyard that lived just before my lips. I fumbled and returned the question to him.

In spite of the openness of our setting, the proximity to his own wife and children, he was fearless. He easily shared with me his apprehensions that, at the age of 50, he had not made the impact he set out to, his regrets of not pursuing more formal training, among others. I still hid behind my walls of junk.

He pressed on. “Why do you have such low self-esteem?” The answer to his question remained in my mind. Though I truly was (mostly) well-adjusted by this point in life, it wasn’t without consequence; largely, a self-worth that was still being rebuilt after a few years of destruction. It was, of course, because my self-worth had, on this journey, become wrapped up in comparisons, accomplishment wars with my past self and with other people I had created just to prove to myself what I loser I really was. In high school, I had been student body president. At 26, I was an unpaid intern the same age as my supervisor. At 12, I was on the board of directors of a non-profit. By 26, I blew threw a once-massive savings in just three short years. My best friends and sister finished medical school, nursing school and law school respectively. In the same amount of time, I had six lines on network television, five of which landed on the cutting room floor.  In the midst of a perilous career path, moving to a place with few close friends and even fewer opportunities to succeed, I found comfort only in retreating into this shell of junk I so painstakingly constructed.

The irony of it all is that, both figuratively and literally, I love to be naked.  Given the proper audience, I am often the most confident person in the room. I love to give speeches, to dance wildly and sing at the top of my lungs. There are people in life whose company I seek just so they will ask me the “why do you have low self-esteem” questions? Those friends who will look me in the eyes, take none of my bullshit and surrender only when we both know I have purged the clutter and they have purged theirs, until we have each shed layer upon layer upon layer of emotional (sometimes literal) garment until we are both dancing freely in our birthday suits. The paradox of course, is that my best friends, my best cousins, those who have known me for eternity, shown me generosity of home and spirit,  often see little except the well-painted clutter and false garments in which I have so carefully wrapped my fragile ego.

My cousin knew the safe things. The daring things I had done in college that I prayed my parents would never know. He knew my funny stories about the perils of dating in Los Angeles. He had glimpses into the window of my tales of a lost love. But as for the song of my self-worth, how I worried that I was too old to ever make something of myself, the all-consuming fear that, due to my lack of long-term relationships, I would never find true love, or make a real difference in the world. He knew not of the eating disorder, the guilt I felt in living such a self-absorbed existence, the time I was so anxious I missed four nights of sleep, or the cutting. As for all of the shameful and painful truths of my 26-year journey, the truths imprisoned behind years and years of internal clutter, he knew virtually none of it. Equally, he knew not how I earned my battle scars, how I fought valiantly, how, as a young teenager, and again as a young adult, I vanquished darkness in the aforementioned challenges and found light again. How, for my family, I resolved to triumph and discovered in these instances that I was one tough motherfucker.

As I packed up my belongings in the California heat, I purged many of them. Of course, I was still shocked by the amount of clutter I sent down I-10s endless desert, hoping that by the time I got to New York my load would somehow be lighter. Now that summer is here, it is time to get naked. The halfway point is upon us and with it, the questions: ‘What can I purge?’ ‘Where are my walls of junk so high that my loved ones cannot see past them?’ ‘When was the last time this piece of junk served me?’ ‘What can I surrender that may serve someone else better?’ And then when you are all done purging and you feel that you have nothing left to throw away or to give to charity, ask yourself again: ‘what can I purge?’ This lesson is, perhaps, the only junk worth hoarding.

The Impending Unknown

 A rather long article by me, Kelsie Schmit, on effectively dealing with and personally resolving uncertainty.

Like a rabbit suddenly blinded by headlights on a dark night: trembling, we freeze. Our minds go blank, our throats clench. We are riveted in inaction. Rational thoughts and others’ reassurance fail us. This is the unsettling and gut-wrenching experience of being overwhelmed by the impending unknown. I know this feeling all too well, and chances are – if you are a Millennial, you do too. For it is not a question for Millennials IF you will deal with crippling uncertainty, but WHEN. It might be when your family friend asks you “what are your plans are after graduation?” or a colleague asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”

I believe the overwhelming nature of uncertainty makes it all the more imperative that our generation becomes masterful at navigating the unknown and the uncertain. For although we may instinctively become catatonic when present to the blank canvas of our future - we individually and collectively cannot afford to remain petrified for too long. Too many big things in our future requiring action are at stake, not to mention the quality of our daily lives (#stresskills).

Who will your life partner will be? What will your college major be? Your first or second job be? What job do you want to have in 20 years? Where should you live and who with? How will you handle significant debt and/or stay out of debt? These are just some of the big life questions we Millennials are asking ourselves today. And even if you get all of those resolved for yourself – there will always be bigger, scarier questions lying in wait. This post is not about having all the answers for all of these questions, but rather how to live with yourself when you don’t.

Consider some of the below approaches as strategies to successfully navigate through and be at peace with your own uncertainty:

Look to your Core People

It is worth reflecting on who your “Core Team” is. This can also be referred to as your “board of directors”. These are the people you would call if your car broke down on the side of the road, or you would consult when making a big decision. It might include a friend or two, your parents, a trusted mentor. The key ingredient is these are people you deeply trust. 

Consider reaching out to them in times of uncertainty – they will likely have some great ideas for you that you have never previously considered. Furthermore, just knowing you have a community supporting you will empower you to take risks and explore as needed.

Get Grounded

What are your values? It is important you not only know the answer to this question for interviews. Your values are the core reflection of who you are. They also are your guiding lights – the golden cords that pull your forward and help you navigate through your life. People are most empowered and fulfilled when they are acting in accordance to their values.

Some common values are Honesty, Respect, Kindness. Here is a list of several to consider if you are looking to identify yours. Some of my top values are: Authenticity, Integrity, Generosity, Initiative, and Curiosity.

Any problem, choice or difficulty is much easier to navigate when framed by what you believe in. For example, if considering whether you should apply for a certain job – you could ask yourself – does this company’s mission reflect my values? Do I believe I could live out my values in this job? Finally, values also can help ensure you are keeping things in perspective, especially in the face of disappointment.

Admittedly this is a bit tongue and cheek...

Know Yourself

Building off of knowing your values, it is also important to be self-aware and know what makes you tick. Knowing who you are will not only help you make better decisions, but also empower you and build your confidence. Consider taking any/all of these personality tests: Myers-Briggs, Strength-Finders, Conflict-Assessment, The Four Temperaments, DISC… the list goes on. Hiring a life-coach or pastor could also provide you with important personal insights.

If you want the boot camp of self-awareness and personal empowerment, I highly recommend you consider taking the Landmark Forum and potentially some of Landmark’s follow-up courses.

Knowing yourself will help you identify potential roadblocks. It will also help you see why certain things may challenge you more than they do others. Alternatively, personal awareness also will help you learn your strengths and where/how you have the potential to make the biggest impact.


Take Initiative

I know I have been guilty before of thinking myself in circles. I get so worried about something I will turn the same thought over and over in my head. Anxiety and worry seem inescapable when we are consumed by them.

The most effective way I have found to disrupt this thought pattern has been to take initiative and take action. Do something, anything that will move you forward. Looking for a job? Go meet with someone new. Looking for a life partner? Ask your friends to set you up on a date. Taking one action gives us a sense of agency and control. I find it also makes whatever I am dealing with seem less insurmountable. Plus, often it is our inaction that gets us in the most trouble because then we end up sliding into a less desirable outcome. If we are able to be proactive, we can shape our futures and ultimately resolve for ourselves the unresolved.


Do Not Underestimate Your Network

When people are looking for jobs, I usually ask them who they are meeting with in their networks. Too  often they say “No one because I don’t know anyone in my network who does x” or “I don’t know that many people.” Challenging these assumptions I think is the key to networking.

First, make sure you are considering the wide variety of people you know. Sure there are college room-mates and teachers and colleagues you can reach out to. But don’t forget also your cousins, your old babysitter, your neighbor. Second, remember to consider networking chains – someone who will introduce you to someone who THEN might have the opening to your dream job.

When you are searching for something you want (anything btw, not just a job) my recommendation is just to start meeting with people. Your neighbor, your aunt, your dad’s old friend from high school… chances are they will know someone through some random connection (their kids’ school or church or alumni network) that can help you in whatever you are pursuing. It might take you a chain of 6 networking meetings to have the conversation with the person you really wanted to talk to in the first place – and that is ok! At least you got there!

A note – it is very important when you begin networking that you know what you want. For example, if you are looking for your life partner – you would want to say something like “I would like to be introduced to a guy who preferably is athletic, has a great job and loves his family.” This gives the person you are meeting with a chance to be creative but also something specific to help you with. Dead-end networking often results from the initiator having too specific or too broad/undefined of a ask. Thus, before going into ANY networking meeting I would highly recommend you be able to confidently articulate: “I want X.”

Find Healthy Distractions

Often a quest to resolve something for yourself is hard work. It may also require waiting at times or grappling with what to do next. Knowing this, it is important to recharge regularly and take a break from the task at hand through healthy distractions. Note – this does not mean avoid the issue at hand for long stretches of time – but rather take a break for a couple hours or a day and then come back to it with new perspective.

What do you lose yourself in? Get recharged by? Music? Exercise? Playing with LEGOS? Perhaps for you it is dancing or playing basketball or doing photography (note- binge watching Netflix shows can be relaxing but does not count as a hobby). Hobbies are also healthy because they balance us. They fulfill us and help our brains get into a new rhythm. They remind us of what we love and what we are good at. Finding healthy distractions for yourself is a good way to move through uncertainty with ease and grace.

Believe And Have Faith

Yes, I am going to use it – the GOD word. I have found for me personally looking to my Christian faith and trusting in God brings a certain clarity and reassurance to whatever I am dealing with. I encourage you, no matter what your belief set or existential resolutions are, to appeal yourself to the bigger picture. What can you put your trust in? Have faith in? Look forward to?

When we are searching we are often the most fearful and pessimistic. We can’t see how things will work out, so we naturally assume the worst. This however often has us give-up or struggle even more. Rather, consider taking on a perspective of cautious optimism. Belief in yourself, in others, in the divine will ultimately help give you courage to continue to strike out. Furthermore, this faith will also help you sleep at night, knowing that there are bigger forces perhaps that you are aware of working in your favor.

Overall, I hope your takeaway from some of the strategies above is to strike boldly forward in the face of YOUR questions – whatever they are. All in all, when dealing with the unknown I believe a “lean-in” approach is the key to our individual and collective success. This takes courage, grit and resolve – but ultimately I think is the critical mindset we need. I can personally testify that being personally willing to live into the uncertainty and press into the uncomfortable unknown without having all the answers unlocks great adventures, rich relationships and unforeseen solutions.

Finally, as my husband John always says – “It is always ok in the end. If it is not ok, it is not the end.”