I’d like to consider myself a relatively patient person. For instance, I have a long history of participating in Black Friday shopping (which should be evidence enough). But seriously, I would like to believe I am pretty patient at least compared to some other people in my generation. For example, I actively use snail mail to send notes to friends and family!
…..but I have discovered maybe I am not as patient as I think. We Millennials (or at the very least me) have a strong desire for instant gratification. As a generation, we grew up with the start of computers and the emergence of cell phones. These things and the immediate access they provided to EVERYTHING fostered our longing for quick answers and fast results. So I suppose my choice to use the self-checkout at the grocery store instead of waiting in a long line (only to watch somebody else painstakingly ring up my items for me...ugg!) stems from a hint of impatience.
However, it hasn’t been until recently that I have realized how my impatience shrouds my sense of confidence in myself, peace of mind and ultimately faith.
This started coming blindingly to light for me about a month ago. I had just completed my last semester of my nursing education at St. Olaf College in Northfield, Minnesota. In order to become an RN, I needed to take my NCLEX (national nursing exam) on July 5. This meant studying for a minimum of 5 hours each day for all of June. Yes, I know what you’re thinking and I thought the same thing: Yuck. And on top of it there are no Kaplan nursing instructors - I was on my own. My first month of freedom from school - my fate was to be chained my books every day for hours on end. Happy Graduation...
Let’s be honest, I just wanted the end result (a good test score), and I wanted it as soon as humanly possible. The rest of the stuff in-between was drudgery. I found myself falling asleep during practice tests, taking about 8 different breaks in a day between studying, watching the clock reveal the painfully slow movement of time. I reached complete disenchantment and disinterest multiple times. But I knew I needed to dig in, I knew I needed to be patient and do the work no matter how painful it was. And although imperfectly, I am somewhat proud to say I did - day after day invest the time. It took every patience muscle I had and then some - but I studied and learned the material.
Fast forward to Monday, July 4, the day before my test. The day went from bad to worse. In the morning nerves set in. By noon, I was texting a friend about how scared I was. Come 5:30 p.m, I was scenario planning, preparing myself to embrace the impending doom of failing the test. 7:00 p,m. brought on all the worst case scenarios playing again and again through my head like a annoying song stuck on repeat.
Yet finally, come nighttime, after imagining all the possible worst case scenarios I could think of, I succumbed to reality. I recognized that in that moment, I had done all I could to prepare. I looked to patience once again, continuing to wait through the night for go time - 8:00 a.m. the next morning - to take my test. This moment of patience, of waiting, was my saving grace. It allowed me the chance to believe in the possibility of success.
The next morning my heart was thumping and all I could think about was getting the test over with, how much I didn’t want to do it, how no matter what I could easily fail. I found myself waiting before the test, in the lounge of the testing center... tapping my foot staring at the wall. Then, deep breath, there it was again - I found my peace in patience.
“Here we go, God. There’s no turning back now.”
I walked into a room of computers and fellow test-takers. I sat down and started clicking away. The 5 hours was rough - up and down. But I sat there, question after question, giving it my all. I still ended up leaving the test center physically sickened by the worst-case-scenario-songs replaying through my head.
My tendency is to expect the worst outcome for myself and in life, almost no matter the circumstance. It’s a strange form of self-denial I think, trying to be prepared. I anticipate the worst - just in case the worst becomes a reality. Strangely, I believe this is closely tied to my need for instant gratification. If you don't give me the answer NOW, that must mean the answer is a bad one: better to have a bad answer than no answer at all, right?
I discovered this while I was waited for my test results from the NCLEX. I knew I would receive the test results within 30 hours, which is relatively a pretty quick turnaround. Nevertheless, this day felt even longer than the day BEFORE the test! I was filled with so many strong feelings of denial, anxiety, mistrust and disbelief. There was NO WAY this was going to end well. Finally, again however as I had done throughout the process, I made my way back to patience. I found my own acceptance by telling myself that regardless of what happened, I had to wait for my results, and whatever happened was in God’s hands (and out of MY control).
In the end I passed.
This fact is honestly still difficult for me to believe. All that worst-case scenario planning really stuck. But when I look at all that transpired - I can humbly see how my patience got me to this point. I see now that when I am patient with myself, patient with this life, everything works together and falls into place as it should. That sure doesn't mean there weren't dark moments on this journey. But thankfully in those moments I awkwardly and desperately turned to patience and faith. The night before my test, I did all I knew how to do - I prayed. I asked for God’s help in the process, and waited.
“He replied, ‘You of little faith, why are you so afraid?’ Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm” - Matthew 8:26
True patience I believe breeds faith. For see, faith is strongest I believe when we are present to it; focusing on it. And I find my faith is most present in my lif when I give up the fact that I can’t control everything. On the opposite side of the spectrum, impatience stems from wanting to control the outcome and dictate my future. Giving up the fact that I don’t possess some supernatural ability to formulate every outcome in life provides an avenue through which we can discover our sense of peace, comfort, and true faith.
So, as Millennials, while we are naturally a quick results type of generation, I believe we as a generation have a huge opportunity to discover patience. Especially how this patience can cultivate our own self-assurance and faith. Our ability to trust in the bigger picture, in the divine, in God, can and will lead to powerful outcomes for us. It just takes a minute to be present, to embrace our current discomforts, uncertainties, situations. Belief in something greater sometimes brings test results and sometimes it doesn't. But this faith does bring fulfillment, reassurance, peace and eventual gratification.
These are the sort of things you have to, but are very worth waiting for.
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